5 tips for starting conversations with strangers

Being close to other people is an existential need that doesn’t seem to be in good shape in our time. In a Gallup poll of 142 countries in 2023, only 35 percent said they felt “very connected” to others. Half admitted to feeling lonely to some degree. The social psychologists Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz state in their book Our New Social Life Research-backed assistance for establishing and maintaining friendships and relationships. The first step: start a conversation with initially strangers. According to the two psychologists, this is often so difficult for us because we rarely pay attention to a few strategies that actually seem obvious.

1. Be seen

Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz have their students at the James Madison University in Virginia asked how and where they met their closest buddies. The most common answer: They lived in the same dormitory or even shared a room. This corresponds to the tenor of many studies. According to a survey by the Pew Research Center 35 percent of the couples surveyed found each other at work or training. We tend to like people we meet frequently or even daily – apparently this creates a comfortable, reassuring feeling of familiarity and predictability.

So, if we want to become familiar with others (and in turn gain familiarity with those around us), we should leave our cave and simply let ourselves be seen. For example, in the gym – ideally on the treadmill in the middle, not in the corner -, in the park, in the bookstore, in the supermarket. Even on the balcony of your own apartment you can see and be seen. Even being visible via text message is better than nothing: in a 2011 study, students who were unknown to each other were thrown together into random pairs and each had to write a predetermined number of emails to each other. Result: The more messages they exchanged at behest, the more they ended up liking each other.

2. Find common ground

It is rarely true in interpersonal relationships that opposites attract. Empirically, the opposite rule has been confirmed: birds of a feather like to mix. We like people who are similar to us, for example in attitude, values, preferences, clothing style. The authors’ advice: “We encourage you to look for commonalities you share with others and highlight those you come across.” Maybe we have kids the same age, like the same restaurants, bands, or vacation destinations. The location often guarantees that you will meet like-minded people: parents meet on the playground, dog lovers on the lawn, football fans in the stadium. However, Kerr and Kurtz warn, a lack of obvious similarities should not be a reason to avoid contact. Not every kindred spirit – for example across age boundaries or political beliefs – is revealed at first glance. Research also shows that the more diverse and cross-border a person’s social network is, the greater their well-being.

3. Smile

It’s a pretty unfair psychological law, but it’s there: we’re drawn to happy people. So it wins others over and connects us when we smile or laugh more often in conversation. And what if we don’t feel like it? When we are grieving or desperately unhappy, a fake cheerfulness comes across as neither authentic nor credible. But otherwise it is not a mistake to push the amiability a little, as a study suggests: The psychologist Elizabeth Dunn invited heterosexual couples to the laboratory who were asked to have a conversation either with their own partner or with the opposite-sex partner of the other couple. With the stranger, it turns out, they tried a lot harder to put their best faces forward. And the amazing thing: They themselves benefited from being “artificially” friendly. Although they were expecting tough small talk, they felt almost as relaxed during the conversation as if they were chatting with their own partner.

4. Show sympathy

Likeability is reciprocal: we like people who like us in turn and show it. “A simple way to convey liking is through unapologetic warmth and friendliness,” write Kerr and Kurtz. But here too we can help a little, even if it may seem artificial to some. The authors recommend compliments: “You’re really funny!” “I admire your sense of style.” Also important: remember the name, perhaps also the birthday and other biographical details. And we should confidently weave details into the conversation that we remember from the last meeting: “Is the daughter back from her traineeship yet?” The psychologists encourage you to work calmly with reminders in the calendar, as this doesn’t devalue the memory. It’s touching when someone writes down “Jaime’s birthday” or “Natalie’s trip to Ireland.”

5. Pay attention

In her book Always on air…never on reception says journalist Kate Murphy bitterly: “These days we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, our inner voices and our gut feelings, but we are hardly ever encouraged to listen to other people.” According to Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz, it is precisely this active listening with focused attention that is the ultimate sign “that you are really ‘with’ someone, completely present with that person’s emotions, thoughts and needs.” How difficult and important this gift of listening is becomes clear when we consider its counterpart: a person who is only half-listening, looking around the room or even surreptitiously quickly checking something on the smartwatch. You can practice listening, for example by maintaining eye contact and adopting an open posture during the conversation. And by showing genuine interest. Being interested in the other person means creating connection.

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