The good jobs, the lots of money – is it all over?

I remember long gray hallways, a room that said “interrogation room.” The officer sitting across from me was friendly, but he didn’t understand me. He should determine whether I am really self-employed or whether my client is just making it look that way. I had to explain again and again how I work. I felt like I was being charged with involuntary manslaughter. It was about what defines me.

I just ran with life. My grandfather was killed in the war, my father was useless, there was no path marked out. After studying mathematics and computer science, I couldn’t find a job. I worked, washing airplanes at night. I took a detour and found my way to a company that needed my IT knowledge. The department head said, “Write an invoice.” I had to ask the secretary how to do it.

So I became self-employed, just by chance. But it was an initial spark, like in the movies. I had 2,000 marks in the account at the time and was now suddenly earning 8,000 marks a month. I couldn’t believe that someone would pay me so much money. But from that moment on it worked. For 30 years I was in demand and was paid extremely well. I worked for large corporations and everyone was happy when I came and solved their problems.

Fear of false independence

Until things became more difficult for self-employed people like me because the fear of bogus self-employment spread among clients. If a company lets someone work for them like an employee and does not employ them, it is committing a criminal offense. But what counts as false self-employment is sometimes difficult to assess. Many clients therefore preferred to give up projects with self-employed people entirely.

As a result, I lost important customers and getting new projects became more difficult. Working conditions worsened. Two years ago, a client told me, almost in tears, that external IT professionals like me were no longer allowed to enter the building, otherwise she could be liable to prosecution. Now I only work from home. Cut off from direct communication with the people I’m supposed to help.

Shaken in self-image

When my most important client was checked and I was called in for questioning like all external service providers, that was the lowest point. It blew me away. Completely overwhelmed emotionally. Nothing has happened so far, but I’m so unsettled that I’m always afraid that I could be picked up next. Arrested. Like in a Kafkaesque world. My self-image is shattered.

I pay taxes, am insured, have built up a pension plan and dedicate my professional activities to benefiting my clients. Every single day. For decades, I ran to the subway in the morning to get to my place of work. Work is existential for me.

Being independent determines my identity. I only earn if I perform. So I rarely go on vacation and don’t get sick. If time is of the essence, I work ten hours without a break, even on Sundays. I did that for thirty years and it shaped me.

Tackle, do, solve problems

For me, freedom is the defining attitude to life. I always wanted to do it! Experience! Solve problems! And yes, make money. As the child of a single mother, I realized early on how important money is. Being self-employed has given me a place as a person in the social market economy and in our society.

For years, I was a respected performer who worked with senior management at international corporations. And suddenly I have to justify myself and am locked out of my clients’ offices. It’s total insult.

It also affects my circle of friends. If you’re constantly in a bad mood, that’s hard to accept. I’m already thinking about who I’m going to tell so that it doesn’t become too much. It’s bad for me that many of my friends don’t understand my problem. “You earn well,” they say, “what do you want?” Or: “Then get hired.” Or: “Then what you’re doing must be windy.” Or, it just came via WhatsApp: “I want to talk to you about depression.” I’m not sick! I have professional problems.

Luxury problems? Perhaps.

As a mathematician I look for logic, as a computer scientist I look for solutions. Now I’m in a situation where I can’t get anywhere with either. It seems to me that people no longer want to be self-employed, but I don’t want to be employed. Break times, vacation planning, 35-hour weeks – that doesn’t suit me.

My body and my soul say: throw everything away. Retire straight away. For others it may be a dream to be able to afford this, but not for me. I would dissolve. I see from friends how quickly you mentally deteriorate when you are no longer challenged.

Luxury problems? Perhaps. Of course I know that other people have it much worse than me. But this questioning of my life’s work, my entire identity, shakes me to my core.

I am, as they say today, an old white man who is used to being allowed to do a lot of things, but also being allowed to do a lot of things. Society expected performance from me, and I delivered. I behave to the best of my knowledge and belief and in accordance with my experiences, and suddenly it is no longer required. I’m no longer asked.

Karl Lagerfeld once said that you have to adapt to the times and not the other way around. When you’re as old as me and used to a certain world, it’s difficult. But it’s true. If I can’t change things, I have to change. At 60, I have to reinvent everything: my work, myself, my position in this society. It’s the only thing I can do. I’m taking up the race.

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