“I think your life is slipping away,” my primary care doctor said after I truthfully answered her routine question about alcohol consumption. I drank about a liter of beer and wine every evening. Too much? Maybe, but I only drank so I could sleep! And I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking too much about my work. I had to change my focus and work less operationally. I recognized it. I had it under control. I was totally reflected. I thought.
At this point, I had been working for a management consultancy for around 20 years, had received several trainings as a coach and Director Consulting with leadership and sales responsibility.
Our management consulting starts with people: We work with our own personality diagnostics and even conduct scientific research on it. I spend around 80 percent of my working time training managers: personality analysis, development potential, self-management, mindfulness, resilience – these topics were my everyday life.
I can solve any problem! I am strong!
Self-reflection is part of it, and of course I had noticed that I was getting worse. It started with constant fatigue: I got up in the morning and was already exhausted. I was also sad for no reason and could have just cried. With every customer email, I was gripped by fear and expected the worst. I avoided my colleagues and avoided my boss. If someone had asked me how I was feeling, I could have named these symptoms at any time. But I couldn’t put them together and didn’t see what they meant.
My knowledge of psychology and coaching probably actually made my blindness worse. If you don’t have a map, you have to ask for directions. I had the map and thought I couldn’t get lost.
For me, each symptom was simply a task for which I – only I – had to find a solution. That’s what I was used to. When I was a teenager, my mother left the family overnight. I took over the housework for my depressed father, cooked, washed and internalized: I can solve any problem. I am strong. “Don’t complain. Get involved!” remained my motto. Job, church, marriage, three children, I took responsibility everywhere, was committed, successful. I dampened my feelings with alcohol.
Started crying at the boss
When I was traveling for work and the hotel ran out of alcohol, I would walk miles to get some. After vacations, I dragged bags full of empty bottles out of the vacation apartments. Once I slipped off my chair while eating in the evening, which made me extremely uncomfortable. My wife at the time spoke to me cautiously about it, but since I only drank and functioned in the evening, my consumption was not noticed as a problem. Not even to myself.
Until my boss wanted to speak to me. It was about the annual budget and I realized: I don’t want to talk to him. That can’t be true. Something wasn’t right here. Before our appointment, I retreated to a small meeting room and googled: “difference between depression and burnout”, “alcohol addiction”. When my boss first asked me, “How are you? You look so sad,” I started crying and told him all my distress.
It probably played a role that it was my boss who asked. He’s tough in negotiations, but when one of his employees has a personal problem, he stops the world. He first apologized for not noticing sooner how bad I was feeling, and then said, “This won’t be detrimental to you.” He took all of my projects off my shoulders, found me an expert for an initial consultation and helped me find a therapy place in a clinic.
It was like I had put on new glasses
It was strange. I couldn’t recognize it before, but as soon as I was in the clinic I understood that I had depression and was addicted to alcohol. It was as if I had put on new glasses and could suddenly see clearly. I wasn’t the man with the broad back who can shoulder everything alone. I was deeply lonely. My marriage was over. I wasn’t even the good father I had always thought I was because I had never been emotionally available to my children. Confronting these issues was painful, but gradually easier than continuing to suppress them.
Depression affects two out of ten people, yet it is often kept secret. I wanted to do it differently and said openly after I returned to work: “I was in a clinic, I had depression.” Many people now consider me to be less capable of living and performing. I can see that they are thinking: “He’s not the same anymore.” That’s true, but on a good note: I came out of the depression with a whole new strength. What have I done before just to do everything right!
Therapy made me realize how volatile my self-esteem is and how bottomless my fear of abandonment is. Theoretically, I knew that everyone is lovable, including me. But as soon as I was attacked or questioned, I reacted completely excessively. Either I threw myself at the other person’s feet, so to speak, whining, or I talked him into the wall to justify myself. Today I can apologize quickly and honestly and am a much more pleasant colleague and advisor.
I would like to say: addiction and problems are behind me, it will never happen to me again. But I’ve been wrong before. However, I was able to work on many topics and develop new routines. Now, when a fear hits me, I no longer suppress it with alcohol. I sit down, grab my iPad to write and ask: Fear, what do you want to tell me? I’m listening to you.
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