You write in your book that many people who come to your practice because of anxiety disorders, panic attacks or depression are not even aware that their main problem lies in their relationship with their mother. How do you come to this claim?
Mental disorders are often relationship disorders. Many complaints are caused by early relationship experiences that continue to have an unconscious effect. The mother plays a special role because in most cases she is the first caregiver. It is our gateway to the world, our mirror and our counterpart. She smiles at us, comforts, encourages or reprimands. In this early bonding we learn who we are, how the world works, whether our feelings are seen and “held” or whether we need to suppress them in order to be loved.
We develop strategies that help us in life. But if we find ourselves in a situation in which these strategies no longer work or which unconsciously reminds us very strongly of our early relationship experiences, a crisis and the development of symptoms can occur, for example if we are afraid of being rejected. Not everything we feel today belongs entirely to the here and now. Some things are old, unconscious, but very much alive. And if you understand the origins, you can change the strategy and thus provide relief.
What do the inner voices sound like that accompany many people even as adults and make their lives difficult?
I think everyone knows them: the inner critics, saboteurs, alarmists. Some people act morally and tell us what we have to or aren’t allowed to do. What others say is very important. Some come across as invalidating and tell us what we can’t do, that we have two left hands, that we are too stupid and that we have a terrible character. Others won’t let us take a break. In short, introjects say the words we have heard from other people. This doesn’t always have to be the parents, but can also be the grandparents, neighbors or teachers.
How can one strengthen the part of the psyche that you call the “good inner mother”?
You can look at what qualities you already have within you: Where am I caring? With my partner, my children, my dog? Can I do for myself what I do for them?
Sometimes you need good role models: friends, teachers, parents, colleagues. You can ask them about a situation in real life or in their imagination. For example, should I stay home if I feel sick but don’t yet have a high fever? Most would say: yes. And so the inner mother can support us, she can take care of us. And next time we might make such a decision for ourselves.
Which exercise or therapeutic intervention has proven to be particularly effective?
Talk to each other. I think it’s good when you get your different parts together at a round table and talk to each other. What does the inner child need, what does the adult introject want, how can you reconcile different interests? A big part of therapy is building internal communication.
Nadiya Kroshka is a qualified psychologist and works in a practice group as a psychoanalyst and group analyst in Russian, Ukrainian and German
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