More connection: ways out of fear and loneliness

Regular leisure activities, multi-generational houses, visiting services – with these and other approaches, the federal governments have wanted to alleviate the loneliness of people in this country since 2023. But what do you do if you want to break out of loneliness but feel overwhelming fear of those around you?

Two current guides help to build and strengthen relationships with people around us. One of them is aimed at people with social anxiety disorder, better known as social phobia. Those affected are afraid of negative judgment from those around them, for example that they will be seen as ridiculous or inadequate. This fear can shape their entire life. “For example, very talented people drop out of their studies because they are unable to speak in front of groups, or they choose a career in which they cannot make the most of their abilities because they want to avoid such situations,” writes Stefan Hofmann in his book Get rid of social fears.

Hofmann is a professor at the Philipps University of Marburg and a renowned expert in the field of anxiety disorders. He identifies a central problem of social phobia: avoidance behavior. Those affected are constantly finding excuses and apologies in order not to have to expose themselves to the attention and potentially negative evaluation of others. They do this both in their professional lives and privately. This threatens to make them lonely.

Hofmann primarily counteracts social phobia with approaches from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). “CBT is a psychotherapeutic procedure that is used to help those affected recognize and change harmful thought patterns in order to improve their behavior,” writes the author. In the first two chapters, Hofmann addresses, among other things, the causes of social phobia. In the remaining six, he devotes himself to cognitive behavioral therapy, familiarizing people with maladaptive thought patterns such as catastrophizing and offering coping approaches. The focus is on confrontation: the more often you expose yourself to frightening situations, the more likely the fear is to go away.

Stefan Hofmann repeatedly displays a clumsy writing style, such as: “For example, we can combine confrontation with frightening social signals with confrontation with feared feelings of fear in order to redefine the ‘danger’ and ‘safety’ of these feelings.” Although it is usually clear from the context what the author means, some passages remain confusing. But his wealth of knowledge is worth overlooking these weaknesses.

According to the federal government, more than nine million Germans are lonely. If you are one of them, you should pick up Sonia Lippke and Christiane Smidt’s book. “If you are reading this book with regard to your own life situation, you have already taken a big step: you have identified loneliness as a possible cause of your unhappiness or dissatisfaction and are honestly admitting it to yourself,” write the authors. They promise that after reading their book, their readers will have found at least one person from whom they can expect reliable support.

In the first part they define loneliness. With the help of “self-checks” and exercises, they give their readers the opportunity to listen to themselves and determine to what extent they suffer from this feeling.

In the second part, the authors give loneliness a face: they introduce six people whose social lives are suffering for different reasons. Be it due to unemployment and shame or workaholism and burnout. Lippke and Smidt delve deeper into the question of what these six people can do to overcome loneliness. Most readers will be able to identify with one of the six characters and will thus receive tailor-made suggestions. The third part offers options for small and large crises on the way out of being alone – many of the helps are well known, including journaling and mindfulness exercises.

More useful is the information about how we can prevent becoming lonely: the authors raise awareness of phases of life and upheavals in which one has to temporarily forego closeness or strong social support. This doesn’t just include old age. For younger people, it is the end of school or study when a new phase begins. For people in their 40s or 50s, this is the time when the children leave the house, for example to start their studies. Thanks to such content, the book helps to specifically counteract loneliness.

Although the authors certainly cannot keep their ambitious promise for every reader, their book offers well-thought-out and empathetic concepts for building closeness and healthy relationships with those around you.

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