“Yes, of course, I will” – for many people this is a reflex when they are asked whether they can take on a task. But if you’re constantly available, it’s easy to overextend yourself and lose sight of your own limitations. Psychotherapist Miriam Junge knows why it is so difficult for us to say no and how we can learn to take our needs seriously without losing our kindness. She recommends six specific ones:
1. Observe yourself in your everyday life. What “glass walls” do you keep running into? Glass walls are old schemes that once meant protection and can now be harmful. For example, sentences like: “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” “You don’t do that.” “I can’t say no.”
2. Write down any beliefs that prevent you from taking your needs and boundaries seriously. If you have difficulty finding your beliefs, ask friends or your partner. The people close to you know your typical sentences.
3. Then take the time to formulate clear contrasts. For example: “I can say no.” “It’s okay if I don’t want something.” “I listen to myself and respect my feelings.”
4. Stick the new, strengthening sentences as a post-it note on your desk. Program a reminder into your cell phone or hang a nice sentence above the mirror. The new sentences only have their effect if you practice them again and again.
5. Take inventory: What kind of niceness and friendliness do you want to keep because it belongs to you? What kind of niceness do you no longer want in the future? Be as specific as possible.
6. Develop routines and rules. For example: I meet up a maximum of one evening a week. Or: I never take on more than three large projects at the same time. Or: the end of work is at 6 p.m. at the latest.
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